This is Jojo. I’m back from 2 weeks in Massachusetts where I dog sat for this cutie at her house near my mom. Very productive trip as we had the house cleaned. That’s huge. House hasn’t been cleaned in over 5 years and mom won’t usually let anyone in. I kept her out of the house for 6 hours. Mark the day in the annals of history because it’ll never happen again. I also got her to shower, but I’m not really celebrating that because that may never happen again.
I saw my college friend for lunch in Schenectady. As I am with everyone – especially all of you – I was honest about having been drinking. I told her “I’m fine,” (see http://writerecover.com/2023/03/08/im-fine/) and she was apprehensive. “You’re sure?” she asked. “I can’t tell if you’re just saying that. I’m worried.”
The last thing I want is for people to worry about me or question my judgment about my life. I said to her, “I’m just being honest, I don’t know what to say about it. I think I’m fine, not sure.” And I thought, I need to stop being honest with everyone. I CAN be honest with myself and lie to everyone else. I really don’t want people to worry about me or think I’m doing something stupid or harmful to myself.
I thought a great deal about this on the 2 hour drive home. Is a lie for the sake of protecting people from me so bad? Then I thought, if I’m having to lie to everyone, isn’t that a sign that something is wrong? Don’t they have a reason to be worried about me? I don’t know if I can live with cognitive dissonance. Maybe I really should just put an end to this and stop fucking drinking again. Wouldn’t that be easier? Well no, but it’s the right thing to do. I know that when I’m being honest with myself.
So, folks, I’m here to tell you that I was 10 days sober again. I drank yesterday in the airport and on the plane to celebrate my new found sobriety (that’s the kind of weird thing we alchies do) and now I have to start from day one again. So, today is day one, but I’m back on the sobriety train. I can’t live a lie, and the only solution to that is to be sober.
I do have to add to the title of this blog “5 pounds’ ’cause that’s what I gain when I stop drinking. Thanks Anne and all my friends for a) caring enough to worry about me and b) having me face the reality of honesty. She’s a bitch.
Has me in tears Jean. Love you!
Airports are a bad trigger. Otherwise, sounds like a good start for Step One!
Love you! And your honesty with yourself which is one of the hardest things on a daily basis!❤️
Good one Jean! None of it is easy!