Coming Out

My two days at the Unspeakeasy have come to an end. Observations: 

There really are a lot of people out there who are smarter than me, deeper thinkers and use much longer words in their sentences than me. 

I still get nervous in front of a group even when I’m just saying my name and reciting my demographics. You would think I’d have those things down pat, but no.

Cisgender women still exist and they have very strong feelings about cultural and social issues. The only relevant concern I have is that I can’t joke about anything anymore. Other than that, I don’t care. You do you and that’s all I’ll say about that.

After a discussion about transitioning from being a girl to a boy, the medicalizing of children with hormone treatment, and at what age top surgery is appropriate, I’ve decided that I am, in fact, trans. I’ve always wanted the body of a boy. Ever since I was a teenager. Back then, we called that anorexia and we went to therapy. Now though, we know so much more about what is really going on! I wish I had been born in these times when I could have convinced my parents that I was really a boy, and they would have had to help me transition into the body I was meant to have, or they would have been called bad parents. It may be too late for puberty blockers (is it?) but I can still have top surgery if I want. Wondering if my husband would support that. 

Thing is, after going through menopause, I feel more like a boy than a girl in many ways. All my estrogen is gone so I won’t go into much detail about that, but suffice it to say things aren’t working the way they used to and I don’t have much fluid. Not having a period, as it turns out, is pretty convenient. I don’t miss it. Not being able to get pregnant is also pretty convenient since I never wanted to. 

All in all, without breasts and with a flat stomach (I’ll need some lipo too, but I’m sure that won’t be a problem for the doctor who slices off my boobs, it’s not like he’s going to have some moral issue with it) there will only be one thing that separates me from the boys. And I don’t want one of those. 

I’m coming out very late in life, but I really didn’t know! The conversations we had this weekend were so enlightening! I learned so much! I was told this weekend would change my life, but I don’t think any of us had any idea how much. I want to thank the friends I made this weekend for helping me realize my true self.

Oh, and also, I’m a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of someone who doesn’t.